Okay, so I realize that there are people in the world with problems so horrifyingly huge that, when compared on a chart, people keep trying to dust the crumb representing my problems off because it's just a distraction. I get that. That having been said, I'm reminded of an early episode of the TV Show "Ally McBeal". Georgia asks "Ally, what makes your problems so much bigger than everyone else's?" She gives it an honest moment's thought, matter-of-factly replies "They're mine" and walks away. So, now that we know just how narcissistic I am, let's move on, shall we?
This morning, I was making some calls from our land line, and one of those calls happened to be my Doctor's office. Nothing earth shattering, just calling in to pay a bill. I'm telling the representative on the other end my credit card number. It's important to note I'm speaking slowly and clearly because everyone knows, when you say "Nine", the person at the other end will invariably hear "Five". You say "Fifty", they hear "Sixty" and so on. So I'm marveling at my model citizenship because I've made this person's job a little easier by caring enough to enunciate. After reading the card number, pausing briefly and clearly stating the expiration date, I ask if she would like the numbers on the back of my card (model citizenship - anticipating her needs - wink). There's the first moment or two of quiet when I'm thinking 'Gee, this person really takes their job seriously and is taking as great care in recording the information as I did in providing it'. By moment four or five, I just think she's just being rude. Then I start to say "Hello? Anybody there?" Next I tempt fate by saying something really embarrassing like "Yo, Dinglenut, ya' still there or were the bagels in the break room calling you?" (Someday I will dig to the bottom of that thought process but not today. I have a gut feeling that it would make a fantastic blog and I don't want to blow more than one good idea per blog - it always seems like overkill and, quite frankly, gives the reader unrealistic expectations for each subsequent blog. I crack under that kind of pressure).
Back to the call. Due to my Clouseau like detection skills, I've determined the call has been disconnected. I hang up and try dialing again only to get dead air. Like an idiot, I start saying "HELLO?!?" progressively louder, thinking the person on the other end may have just inexplicably gone deaf during our phone call. Hang up again. Try to redial and now I'm getting a busy signal. As though I'm in one of those silent educational short films they use on programs like Sesame Street, I turn to the camera with a look of surprise tap my index finger to my temple, and seem to be saying 'Hey! I know, I'll use my cell phone!!' Using said cell phone, I try to call the land line. "Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and try again". Even though this is my home phone number which has been the same damned number for 35 plus years, I second guess myself and click "Recent Calls" on my cell phone. Looking at the camera puzzled, 'Nope, not the wrong number....Hmmmmm'.
Our services are bundled so I check Cable. Nope, Cable's fine. Internet, well, I'm writing this blog, aren't I? Finally, I bite the bullet and call Customer Service where I am told by another recording that "Due to an increased call volume, wait times may exceed ten minutes". I decide I've got nothing better to do so I wait.....and wait............and take the dog outside......and wait......and have a piece of warmed up Banana Bread slathered with butter. (Yes, I deserved the extra butter because I was subjected to excessive wait times). THIRTY ONE MINUTES later, I decide I HAVE got better things to do and hang up. Why - after all of that waiting didn't I just suck it up and deal with it? I'll tell you why - Because with my luck, just as I sit down to pee, the perky Customer Service Rep would chime in with "Thank you for calling Comcast where we strive to make your life easier, my name is Jane Doe, how can I assist you today?"
After completing important matters, being the glutton for punishment that I am (AND sensing there's a blog somewhere in this experience), I call back. Now, I wait.....and wait.....and SUDDENLY there's a series of clicks, I get very excited and start doing the 'I'm the next customer in line and, therefore, the current VIP' dance in my head when another recording starts. "We apologize but due to higher than normal call volumes wait times will be extended........We are experiencing outages in your area and have technicians working to resolve the problem. Please call back at a later time".
Standing there, mid dance move, I'm speechless. This lasts roughly 1.8 seconds when it clicks that it's a recording that has just told me everything I already knew. A recording I waited more than a half hour for so I could hear everything I already knew. By this time I'm thankful it's a recording because I unleash a whole can of Frustration and Swearing Whoop-ass on it. "DO YA' THINK - GENIUS A**????? FOR F***'S SAKE - I KNOW I'M A LITTLE STIR CRAZY BUT I DON'T HANG OUT ON HOLD FOR *HITS AND GIGGLES YA' USELESS *OUCHEBAG!!!"
From there, I hung up the phone and just stood there, reliving the moment. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Sometimes swearing is excessive and gratuitous but other times there is just no substitute for an appropriately placed F-bomb!!
Now, if that's the worst problem of my day, I'm luckier than a whole big chunk of the world's population!!!
Have a fantastic weekend!
