Medical Lessons Learned.....

Given the fact that, over the past five years, I'm averaging 1.3 Surgeries per year, you had to know I'd make my way back around to that subject sooner or later.  What I have decided to do is provide some of the medical lessons I've learned throughout my life.  At the very least, I hope you find them amusing.  After all, laughter is the best medicine....unless you've got a broken rib or something like that.  In those cases, laughter just sucks.

Now, I will put a disclaimer in right here and now.  I am NOT a Doctor, Nurse, Medical Assistant, Lab or X-Ray Technician or any other medical professional.  These "Lessons" come from my own experiences as a patient and nothing more.  Take or leave them for what they're worth!

Lesson One - If you think something is horribly wrong, chances are you are probably perfectly fine.

During my lifetime, I have watched five close relatives die from one form of Cancer or another. You might say my cards are marked.  This has provided me with a general sense of dread whenever I have a Doctor Appointment.  Once, I went to the ER because I had been having some pretty severe stomach pain for a week or so and, given my family history, was convinced it was the big C.  I was ready for the worst when, after a set of X-Rays, the Doctor came back in and informed me that I was full of.....well....poop.  Said he'd never seen someone so jam packed with it.  He asked some general questions and determined I just needed a LOT of water and and a healthy dose (or ten) of Miralax.  As I thought back on the previous week, I supposed I should have guessed the diagnosis for a number of reasons not the least of which was an obvious lack of reason number two...

Lesson Two -  If your Doctor or Nurse is having a bad day, and as they are human it happens, you should turn heel and run as fast as you can. 

Two weeks after my first surgery to remove a Kidney Stone, I returned to the Urologist to have a Stent removed.  I should have known something was up when I got called in from the waiting room by Nurse Cratchett but I was inexperienced so I followed her and her specimen cup back in to the office where she stood by the bathroom and said "I suppose you know what to do with this?".  Thinking she was making a joke, I chuckled and made some smart aleck comment back.  Not only did she not crack a smile or acknowledge I'd said anything, she just opened the bathroom door and held the cup out. Yup, I should have known right then and there that I did not want this person going anywhere near the Stent currently residing in my Ureter.  Ahhh, to be so naive and carefree.  I miss those days....
Okay, so I'd done what was needed in the bathroom and moved in to the actual office.  Nurse Cratchett came in and, waving a folded up sheet in the general direction of an exam table, said "Remove everything from the waist down, have a seat there, cover up with this and I'll be right back in".
"Ummm.....okay then" I said to the closed door "I'll just wait here."  Where the hell was Jack Nicholson when I needed him?
What felt like a week later, she came back in to the room with a stainless steel tray draped with paper and she was wearing rubber gloves.  Two things occurred to me here.  First, it's never a good sign when they don't let you actually see what's on that tray and, Second, I will go to the grave swearing that she now had a gleam in her eye and was wearing something that closely resembled a smile.
"Is this going to hurt?" I asked nervously.  "Oh no," she said "It'll be a little uncomfortable but that's it".  Oh boy...
The procedure itself was over in about eight seconds flat but in those eight seconds, not only did I see my life flash before my eyes but I saw it with such clarity that I could tell you what my Kindergarten teacher wore on MY first day of school.  I screamed, said a very bad word and immediately began to sob.  As she snapped off her rubber gloves, Cratchett said something to the effect of  'It's all over now, you'll be fine' as I curled in to the fetal position and sobbed "A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE?!?!?!?!"
Two or three days later, I was still having horrible pain and knew I had a fever so I went back to the Urologist office where I sat in the waiting room for TWO HOURS while my Doctor was in surgery.  My favorite nurse there (Cratchett was nowhere to be seen at this point, thank God), came out to the waiting room to tell me that the Doctor would be delayed a little longer but, after taking one look at me, she rushed me in back, gave me warm towels, took my vitals and left the room.  She reappeared minutes later with a wheelchair and my Doctor who informed me they would be checking me in to the hospital then and there.  As it turned out, I had a very scary infection accompanied by an equally scary fever.  There are only two things I recall from that moment to the  moment I woke up after surgery.  One - as we were leaving the office, I looked up from the wheelchair to see Nurse Cratchett looking down at me in horror.  "I'm so sorry" she said.  While I have no idea if I actually responded, I'm sure you can imagine what I would like to have said.  Two - I remember there was construction going on at the hospital at the time and it took the Doctor and my fav Nurse to wheel me through the manufactured, outdoor walkway maze that wound from their office to the Emergency Room.
So, with probably more detail than you needed to know, I learned that oh-so-important lesson number two:  If your Doctor or Nurse is having a bad day, and as they are human it does happen, you should turn heel and run as fast as you can.

Hopefully, you've enjoyed this little foray in to the fun and excitement of my life. Next time, perhaps we'll discuss Lessons three and four...