BRRRRR.... Winter Doldrums...

It's official. 

The holidays, as I know and celebrate them, are over.  Bleck, yuck, pitooey.  In New England, this means we have three months of 'delightfully brisk' (read 'freaking freezing'), snow plowing and shoveling, salted roads and frozen windshield wipers on the horizon.  The Winter Doldrums.

This year, I do actually have a beach vacation with my eldest daughter planned for the end of February so I've got that to which I can look forward.  That having been said, since I'm like the poster child for Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), I thought it would be nice to share my Top Ten of the Winter Doldrums in New England:

1)  Schedules must be adjusted to accommodate the extra time needed at both entry and exit of the home.  No matter how many years pass, I never seem to be able to plan ahead for this difference in seasons.  Of course, it was a much larger difference when the kids were little. 
For example, Snow Suits.  Taken in conjunction with little arms and legs can make one highly susceptible to instant daydreams of 80 degree temperatures featuring a happy baby in only a diaper/onesie combination and in which a Nanny was handling all of this stuff anyway so did it really matter?  But I digress... When snapped back in to reality, what  you were left with was a set of arms and legs that were either A) so rubbery you couldn't maneuver them through the appropriate hole in the suit or, B) held so stiff that it made you want to forego the suit, grab the nearest down comforter and staple it carefully around the baby. 
The best was when one of my daughters would decide on a 'combo' move.  She'd start with an "A" and, after "2" minutes (read "30") when Mommy would finally peek up the sleeve of the snowsuit to see just where that arm went, the little angel would convert quickly to a "B".  This little move, in fact, was the cause for my first root canal.  Believe it or not a 6 month old carries a right hook that can kill a tooth.  No joke. 

2)  Ice where there is none.  As a kid, I can remember hearing talk of "Black Ice".  It sounded REALLY cool, like something out of a comic book for only the best Superheroes.  Grownups, however, were always warning everyone about it.  'Careful driving - there's black ice all over', or 'Hey, you want to be sure and hang on to something, it's like a skating rink out there'.  What a drag.
Everytime I'd go out, I'd look for this black ice that, in my mind, was a rare black jewel, polished to perfection and only made visible in just the right circumstances.  Never saw it.  Not once. 
Fast forward a few years and it all came painfully clear as my brother and I were headed out to the store.  Talk about a disenchanting discovery...
"That's It?!?!  THAT'S Black Ice?" I whined, landing on my tailbone, looking up at my older brother.
As he nimbly swung from porch rail to basketball post to a triple-flip dismount in the safety of the garage, he dusted the chalk off his hands and said "I told you to be careful".

3) No ice where there should be...  There is a tiny pond, seemingly perfect for ice skating, near where we live.  It has been four thousand degrees below zero for at least a month.  Is it frozen over enough for skating?  Noooo.  Why?  Because it's "spring fed".  Spring fed.  What, in God's name, is a spring doing, being anything but ice in this weather?  'That's just crazy' I thought as I tightened the laces on my skates and glided back home on the black ice.

4)  School cancellations.  Now, here's one of those things that people either love or hate.  If you are under the age of 20, you love it.  You get to stay home, eat comfort food, watch TV, play in the snow and even take a nap if you want.  Those over the age of 30 hate it.  You have to use a vacation day from work, make comfort food for the kids, you can't watch what you want on TV (which is what you were initially going to do with your vacation day) and you have to clear off the driveway.  Repeatedly.  That's where the term "bitter cold" comes from.

5)  Groundhog Day - February 2.  I love Punxsatawney Phil as much as the next person.  He's cute, fuzzy, doesn't seem to make any startling movements and is supposed to be a harbinger of warmer weather.  HA!  Anyone in northern New England will tell you that's a crock.  According to legend, if the groundhog doesn't see his shadow, spring is right around the corner and, if he does, there are six more weeks of winter.  Go to the weather channel and do the math.  In this part of the country, the only thing 'right around the corner' from February 2 is Spring Training for the Red Sox (in FLORIDA) and even that doesn't start for another couple of weeks.  For those of us in New England, ONLY six more weeks of winter is the best deal we're going to get on February 2 so I say, just let the fuzzy little bugger sleep! 

6)  Skiing is plentiful!  If you are someone who enjoys the thrill of shush-booming down a mountain with two lengths of fiberglass strapped to your feet, you're usually in luck.  It gives people something to do, keeps them active, gets them outdoors for some badly needed sunshine and vitamin D, provides local tourism dollars and Emergency Room copays.  I enjoy skiing once every year or five.....on the bunny hill......with nobody around me......and temperatures in the 30's.  This provides a couple of things - first, entertainment for my family who ski a couple of times a week throughout the winter and enjoy watching me 'snow plow' or make a 'pizza wedge' most of the way down.  Second, I get a stylish tag on my jacket which actually makes me look like I could be someone who skis a couple of times a week throughout the winter.  Third, there is nothing like a trip down the Ski Lodge stairs in a pair of ski boots to make you feel good about any other pair of shoes you own.

7)  A good woodstove is worth it's weight in wool.  Alright, I know the ozone is in trouble and all of the smoke is bad but, honestly, is there anything better than backing your butt up to the front of a woodstove to take off the chill?  I have spent many hours seated directly in front of a Vermont Castings stove until, sniffing suspiciously, I discovered I was burning the back of my favorite wool sweater.  Good times.


8)  Dog poop in wintertime.  It's a miracle of science.  It smells for precisely 38 seconds where upon it freezes solid, making 'shoe tread poop' an impossibility.  Moving on.

9)  Hairsicles.  It is my fortunate blessing to have curly hair.  The moment there is any humidity in the air, I turn in to a Chia Pet and my hair explodes on all sides.  This not only makes navigating doorways difficult but also provides invitation to flying insects browsing for new real estate.  In the winter, there's no humidity to speak of so, once dry, my hair behaves.  The extent of my hair maintenance is to wash it daily, condition it a couple of times a week and, upon exiting the shower, put some sort of goo on it to prevent the "Static Chia Pet" which, believe me, is a whole other animal.  While this means it's very low maintenance, it also means that on cold mornings, in the journey from house to car, individual curls are frozen solid and provide a delightful wind chime effect as they click together near my ears.  Once, after almost losing an eye, I learned quickly NOT to shake my head on these occasions. 

10)  The days are growing longer!!!!  I saved this for last as it's my absolute favorite.  After December 21, we gain approximately 1 - 2 minutes of daylight per day.  Since that date, we've already gained somewhere around 18 minutes!!!!  That's right, reaching a 4:25 pm sunset equals livin' large by doing crazy things like not turning our lights on as we drive home from work.  Okay, I might have made that and a few other parts up but, with at least ten more years until spring weather arrives, I'll take what I can get.