Once you've made it through all of the preliminary 'processing' (see Pop Quiz and Bait & Switch from previous post) and at least one "Good Housekeeping" magazine (sans any worthwhile recipes), the Doctor actually WILL see you now!
You MUST have prepared two items for this all-important first meeting.
First, and in all seriousness, it is vitally important that you have prioritized and defined all issues and/or symptoms that caused you to pick up the phone and make the appointment in the first place. The Doctor can NOT help you if you don't have this information.
Second, in the words that will remain immortal until atleast the end of this year, from that Pop Icon, Lady Gaga - You must have 'Your, your, your, your, your, your, your, your Poker Face'.
Why is this so important? Because this person, whom you have never met before and who (by the way) puts his or her clothes on the same way you do, eats food just like you do, has to drive to work just as you do (get the picture?), is the person who is about to provide you information that will do one of the following three things:
First, make you feel like a dope for being there in the first place.
"I'm sorry Ms. Jones, at your age..." (that's the WORST), "...it's just a matter of wear and tear..." (like a knife to the back). "We can give you a series of shots with a fourteen-inch red-hot poker at the base of your spine and see if that does any good, or you can just take Advil. Same diff - your call".
Second, scare the crap out of you.
"Okay, Ms. Jones, I've reviewed all of the notes and tests from your Primary Care Physician, and there are a few things that are a little 'unsettling'. We're going to run one more test and if it confirms what I'm thinking, we'll schedule a procedure"
"Procedure?"
"Yes, but we don't need to discuss that yet. Let's wait and see...it could be nothing"
Third, make you feel as though you are riding the "HMO Red Tape Line" on the Subway.
"Ms. Jones, since you started your journey at PCP Central, took the Red Line to Specialist Hill, switched lines to HMO Red Tape (HRT), that means you are currently here" (slaps a pointer at a tiny dot on a subway map that is shaped, frighteningly, like a heart. Not a pretty, romantic heart either. It's kind of like a human one complete with valves, stems and an overhead cam). Slapping away at the map, the Doctor continues at approximately a billion miles an hour...
"Unfortunately, from there, you have to follow the HRT from here to Imaging Station, directly to Lab Centre (make sure you go to Centre, not Central, or insurance will never cover it) where you will wait for seven to ten days for the next train to show up. I can't tell you which direction it will be heading, but you'll know it when you see it. Please make sure to stop at the Receptionist' desk and grab your ticket. Take care."
The 'Poker Face' is essential because any one of these outcomes, for any of a million different reasons, can reduce you to tears in the blink of an eye. It doesn't matter if they are tears of relief, anger or even fear. Regardless of their cause, they are a distraction that could end up prompting the Doctor to do something like pat you on the shoulder. 'Back off pal, I'm a New Englander and, unless there's Anesthesia involved, we don't touch people until at least the 20th or 21st time we meet and, frankly, we expect the same from others'. Control of the Poker Face is paramount. Trust me.
To be continued with "Next Stop, en route to Surgery Centre, Emergency Landing".....
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