Anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that I've been through my fair share of surgical procedures. DISCLAIMER: As mentioned in a previous post, none have been for EXTERNALLY aesthetic purposes....yet.
If you don't know me, you may skeptically ask what experience could possibly put me in the position to offer advice, and I wouldn't blame you. Let's just put it this way - A) If there was a game of "Surgery BINGO", I'd have already won, hands down and, B) I can read (and more importantly) understand Operative Reports. (References supplied upon request).
For those fortunate enough to have avoided surgery thus far, I offer the following insight. Feel free to print and take it with you, as a sort of guide, should the unfortunate opportunity present itself.
FIRST THINGS FIRST...
Upon visiting a Doctor you've never seen before, you will be expected to fill out several forms, each containing dozens of questions. The spectrum of questions runs from inoccuous to extremely personal. Seriously, as if the visit itself wasn't stressful enough, they hand you a pop quiz before the office door even closes behind you. Worse yet? It's timed. The clock starts the moment you take the clipboard and, without mercy, ends the moment you are called in to be seen. Ohhh, curse that clipboard with its double-sided forms and attached but ALWAYS capless pen. Often, as I scan the waiting room, looking at other patients, I narrow my eyes and wonder 'Who is taking all of the caps?' WARNING: BEGINNERS, DO NOT DO THIS. 'Scanning' will waste valuable time and you could end up missing an all important question, at the Urologist Office, about relatives who may have suffered from toe fungus and, then where are you... Where was I? Ah yes, the Pop Quiz. The first few times I had to fill these out, I actually asked if I could "Phone a Friend" (who happened to be my mother). Perhaps a sign of weakness and, yes, we were shaky at first but, eventually, we got it down to a science. It involved a rapid fire volley of questions from me and answers from Mom that went something like this:
"Arthritis?"
"Grammy Townsend. Rheumatoid"
"Asthma?"
"Nobody"
"Cardiac Issues?"
"Can you be more specific?"
"No. That's all they gave me"
"Damn. Okay (deep breath), Great Uncle - Quadruple Bypass, Second cousin once removed - dropped dead from a heart attack at age 59...." and so on.
WARNING: Do NOT visit a Doctor you've not seen before without first setting up your "questionnaire buddy".
The only other thing I can say about the questionnaire is, if it's your first time, don't beat yourself up for not finishing before they call you in to be seen. The Doctor is going to review all of the questions with you anyway. In fact, I think they invented these forms just to keep you occupied during your stay in the waiting room. Personally? I'd rather read "People".
THE BAIT AND SWITCH...
At some point, someone will come through the door, say your name and announce that the Doctor will see you now. WARNING: Do NOT believe them. This is a trick! The Doctor will NOT see you now, the Nurse or Medical Assistant will.
While this starts out okay with something like "Please step up on the scale and we'll get your weight", it always ends with them asking questions to make you paranoid that someone, somewhere is watching your every move, such as "What do you do for exercise?", "Do you drink alcohol?" or "Do you drink enough water?"
WARNING: Do NOT let these questions make you nervous. These folks are like my kids, they smell fear. Answer honestly but briefly and always look them in the eye.
They'll type a bunch of stuff, take your blood pressure, pulse and temperature, type some more, pack up their laptop and, waving vaguely in the direction of the entire room, announce "The Doctor will be right in but there are some magazines right over there if you're interested". By the way, the most accurate way to determine your 'wait time' is an algorithm involving the number of magazines in the room, their condition and how well the magazines are organized in the bin. WARNING: Beginners, do NOT worry about this part. This is for the more experienced patient!!
Take my word for it, as the Nurse or Assistant turns to leave the room, it's not cool to ask him or her for your Quiz score. Their sense of humor just isn't that good. Instead, grab a "Sports Illustrated", enjoy the fact that you have no cell phone coverage, relax and wait for the Doctor to show up.
To be continued....
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