How am I celebrating Valentine's Day???

Valentine's Day. It's one of those God awful holidays, isn't it. The only people who benefit fall in to four categories. First, little girls who are "Daddy's little girl". Next up are women who are in a new romance and their beau is still trying to.....how can I put this delicately.... find the right 'road map'. Third, we have women whose significant other not only found the map but knows exactly how to get from point A to point B. Those are kind of my favorite because, as anyone with a GPS can tell you, the path from A to B can, and frequently does, change without warning. Finally, there are the kids in Grade School who are guaranteed to get between 15 and 25 valentine's day cards (dependent on their class size). For everyone else, it's a sure fire way to make you feel somehow inadequate. Either you don't have a significant other or you don't have the money or you lack imagination or you are over the age of ten.

The story I'm about to share will, hopefully, cheer up anyone who thinks Hallmark should stick it where the sun doesn't shine.

If you have read my previous posts, you are aware that I have Platinum status at the local Urologists office because of the kidney stones I create with a freakish frequency (say that ten times fast). Their Annual Fee to maintain Platinum status is a 24-hour Urine Collection which I, genius that I am, decided to do yesterday and today.....I did mention that today is Valentine's Day right? So just keep that in mind as I ramble on about my experience.

For those who don't know how this works, I'll give you an overview. First, you retrieve a large, sterile, brown jug from your Urologist office. Seriously, it's a brown jug. Now, with the history of "The Little Brown Jug", one would be correct in guessing that Urologists have a twisted sense of humor. Can you blame them? Anyway, in case what you are up to isn't obvious enough to the casual observer, the outside of the box containing said jug is cryptically labeled "24 Hour Urine Collection". Next, you pick a 24 hour period when you are going to be at home. Perhaps you can venture out for a quick errand but do NOT push your luck. Trust me, there is nothing worse on "Collection Day" than getting halfway through Grocery Shopping when you realize you have to pee. Not only do you have about a half hour left in the store and groceries to put in and take out of the car but, in my case, there's a relatively bumpy car ride thrown in for good measure. NOT GOOD.

Okay, so you've got your jug, you have picked the 24 hour period and opened the jug to commence with the collection. First, you are accosted with a very strong odor coming from a dry sponge inside the jug. The sponge is treated with chemicals to prevent the pee from going 'bad' before you can get it to the lab. The very final 'donation' has to be the first time you pee the morning after you begin the collection. For example, I started at 8:45 am yesterday and finished at 8:30 this morning. Here's an important part of the process: Once the collection is complete, you must do two things. 1) Shake the jug for "one timed minute". Trust me when I tell you that tightening the lid is imperative. 2) You have to get the jug back to the lab within two hours, otherwise they can not use it and you have to start all over again.

Did I mention that, for a few months now, I've been dealing with a herniated disc in my back? One of the ways I deal with the pain is to limp when I walk. That way, I'm keeping as much weight off my right leg and hip as possible.

Having finished the collection at 8:30 this morning, I was ready to head in to the Lab and drop off the jug by about 9:00. This would have me dropping it off well within the 2-hour time limit. No worries. I start my car and notice the little yellow gas station symbol winking at me. Sure enough, I look over and see the needle is on "E". This is still okay since stopping to get gas is only going to add about ten minutes on to my route. After filling the tank and splurging with both time and money by going in to the store and purchasing a Vitamin Water, I'm still in pretty good shape since it's now 9:30 and I still have an hour to go.

I pull in to the parking lot, troll around for a parking space and find one right near the Lab entrance which is located on the Hospital Campus but in a separate building. Sitting in the parked car, I give the jug and myself a little pep talk that goes something like this 'Okay, everyone is here for their own reason. They're not even going to look twice at you or me. Just act casual. Nobody knows you are a jug full of pee. I could be carrying anything in that box labeled "24 Hour Urine Collection". Act casual.....nobody knows what I'm carrying'.

After stepping out of and locking the car, with an audible 'slosh', I hoist the box up on to my hip and proceed to limp slowly towards the Lab. Once in the building, as I approach the entrance to the Lab, visitors are presented with a standing sign (the kind you might see at a Hotel Conference Center that tells you where your Office Holiday Party is being held). Except this sign reads "PLEASE WAIT HERE WITH YOUR GIANT JUG OF PEE". Alright, it may not say that exactly but it is a big sign which directs you to stand in the hallway that is the Hospital equivalent of Main Street U.S.A..

It's around 10:00. Are you doing the math? I am and, at this point, I'm feeling a little like Dorothy when she's locked away in the Castle staring at that HUGE hourglass). Finally, I'm next in line and a woman behind the counter waves me in. She sees me limping, looks at the box, then at me and I can already tell this is not going to be good.

As I'm hoisting the box from my hip to the counter (slosh) she says "Oh, I hate to do this to you because I can see you're limping...." "Why?" I ask "What's wrong?" She breaks eye contact and tells me that I now have to carry the box to the Hospital's internal Lab which is at the other end of the hospital, four billion miles away. She kept apologizing and I finally interrupted her and said "Look, it's okay, can you just tell me how to get where I need to be?" She proceeded to give me directions to the Information Desk just inside the main entrance to the hospital and said that person would direct me from there. With a resigned sigh and slosh, I hoist the box back on to my hip and turn to leave but I couldn't resist at least saying something so I left with a loud comment for her and everyone in the waiting room; "That's alright, don't you worry about me, I'm just limping through the hospital grounds with my giant jug of pee. Nobody will even notice me.....It's fun". The people in the waiting room giggled and I imagined her suddenly realizing her cruelty. Right now, I thought, she's running to find a wheelchair so that she can wheel me to the Hospital Lab. She'd offer me a cup of coffee and, since it was chilly out, ask me if I wanted a warm blanket. By the time I was halfway to the Information Desk, I'd looked over my shoulder three or four times and resigned myself to the fact that she wasn't coming. What with my limp, the sloshing was starting to sound more like that of a washing machine or an overcrowded pool but I didn't care anymore. I got to the Information Desk, took my down coat off, wiped the sweat from my forehead and asked the nice older gentleman for directions to the Lab. Since I was no longer making any pretenses about what I was transporting, I gave the box I'd placed on the Information Desk a quick shake and said "I have to drop this giant jug of pee off at the Lab, can you tell me where that is?" The man's lip actually curled and he wheeled over, opened a desk drawer and pulled out a container of Lysol wipes. "Down the hall, past the gift shop, Elevator B to the first floor and you can't miss it". I thanked him as, once again, the jug was returned to the upright and hip position.
Slosh, bump, slosh, bump, slosh, bump was the sound you could hear as, head held high, I made my way down the hall.

Finally I got to the lab and the time was approximately 10:15. I dropped off the jug, turned heel and gimped my way back to the elevator, back down the hall, waved to the people in HAZMAT suits who were scrubbing the Information Desk, got back outside and all the way to my car. PHEW! There really isn't much more to the story but, as Valentine's Days go, it doesn't get much better than that, does it?

So if you're finding yourself down in the dumps this Valentine's Day, just count your lucky stars that you don't have a "24 hour urine collection" jug as your dance partner. Also, go get your favorite treat, and watch a good movie. Before you know it, it'll all be over and we'll move on to St. Patrick's Day which is a much more reasonable holiday whose focus is simply drinking green beer and eating a nice Corned Beef & Cabbage dinner.