As is sometimes the case in our family, a conversation this morning came back around to Potty Humor. To me, Potty Humor is one of those topics that never ceases to amuse. Why is that, do you suppose? Everything from a person standing up from their chair, causing it to make a farting noise to potty 'accidents' and the stories leading up to them.
A couple of years ago, I had one such incident and it came up during this morning's Potty Humor conversation so I thought I'd share.
It starts out with me driving to a horse farm about 45 minutes from our home so that I could attend my daughter's Equestrian Event (aka Horse Show). Never having been to this particular farm before, and after being told it was way out in the "sticks", I used a navigator app on my phone. The information I received regarding the location was spot on. This farm seemed to be in the middle of nowhere. There were residential neighborhoods peppered throughout the drive but other than that, the final eight or ten miles had nothing but woodlands and wide open spaces. As I got nearer to the farm, I did notice that it couldn't be far from where my Dad was living at the time and made a mental note.
The events my daughter was competing in were being held at something like 9:00 am, 1:00 and 2:00 pm. Anyone who has ever been to one of these events knows that they rarely start on time and each event's start time can be impacted by a number of things such as weather, course set up and how long it takes to get through the preceding event. On this day, my daughter's first event started and finished in a timely manner so I found myself with three-plus hours to kill before the next event. I sent a text to my Dad to say I was in the neighborhood and would be coming by for a visit between events.
Approximately five minutes after heading to my Dad's, it hit me. My stomach gurgled, grumbled and cramped. Immediately, I cursed the Large Dunkin' Donuts coffee and donut I'd had earlier. 'I should have known better' I thought. Things quieted down for a minute and I started trying to recall where I may have passed a restaurant or store on my way to the show. I couldn't come up with anything but, since things were quiet, I didn't worry too much.
Maybe two or three minutes later, another cramp and gurgle, only this time it was accompanied by a, albeit brief, cold sweat. I started to worry and take a mental inventory of what I had in the car that might 'assist me' should I have to pull over to the side of the road.
Now, usually, my car has a little bit of everything in it; Gum, Tissues, CDs, a map, a roll of paper towels and maybe a couple of pair of shoes. On this particular day, Murphy's Law was in hot pursuit because I had not a single tissue or paper towel.
Another bout of cramping, sweating and gurgling. They were coming more frequently now and I remember wondering, having had a hysterectomy a few years before, what the hell I was going to give birth to when this was over. As I was starting my Lamaze breathing while simultaneously clenching every single muscle from the waist down, I noticed I was in one of the residential areas. I thought 'If I don't find some place quick, my left leg (which was firmly planted on the slant of the floor under the gas/brake pedals) is going through the floor of this car.
'Can't pull over there' I thought, 'there are cars in that driveway'; and, 'nope, not there, there are people in the yard on the other side of the road'. By now, the cramping was not subsiding and I had all I could do to keep things clenched while trying to drive the car. I mopped my brow with the sleeve of my jacket and started weighing the pros and cons of stopping at someone's house and asking to use their bathroom. 'Oh God, what if I clog their toilet or, worse, get halfway from the car to their house when everything lets loose'. Every scenario I envisioned was horrifying for a variety of reasons. I tried to start praying but realized, not being a very religious person, A) it might be a little hypocritical of me to call on God for help now and, B) I didn't know any prayers that would fit the situation.
I tried threatening my bowels. 'Look, I said, my mind is pretty darned strong and I can just put this whole thing to rest with a little mind-over-matter and don't think I won't.......YIKES!!! Okay, okay.... 'God is great, God is good, let us thank him for this food.....' YOUCH!!!!! With no thought for where I was or who might see me, I pulled over and tried to ease my way out of the car without un-clenching. After putting on the "hazard" lights, I shuffled around the back of the car to the passenger side with a gait that made it look as though my legs were actually connected from hip to foot like some bizarre version of conjoined twins. Once there, I afforded myself a brief look at my surroundings. There was a little patch of shrubs next to me that seemed to mark the land line for the house I had clear vision of. Though I can't tell you what program they were watching, I knew the people inside were watching TV. Hopefully that gives you an indication of my proximity to said house.
By way of opening both the front and rear passenger doors, I made as much of a shelter from prying eyes as I could, slid down the appropriate articles of clothing, held on to the lower front-passenger door jamb and let nature take its course. All the while chanting "Please don't let any cars go by, please don't let any cars go by...". As the pain in my stomach eased, I started looking for something, anything I could use to clean up. Looking at the rubble on the floor, I spotted two little squares of fabric that had been fashioned in to little pouches. The kind you might see filled with dried lavender as a sachet or something. One of my kids had made these at the after-school daycare she attended at the time. I looked some more....wasn't there anything resembling toilet paper to be had in the car? Not a thing. I commenced un-making the little pouches and, after making a silent apology to the child, used them as best I could. I pulled up my pants and walked, like a regular bi-ped, back to the driver's side and got in. Now, during that entire experience, not a single car went by in either direction. The minute I was seated back in the car, a car came from the opposite direction and three came from behind me. I looked to the sky to thank whoever had heard me (saying "Grace") and intervened.
When I got to my Dads' house, I made a beeline for the bathroom to do damage control and, while the details don't need to be shared, let's just say it wasn't pretty. Managing to clean up as best I could, I emerged from the bathroom and visited with my Dad as though nothing had happened. The day finished without further incident and the drive back to the farm was quiet enough that I actually took some time to notice what a pretty area it was. The trees and fields were beautiful and there wasn't even any garbage on the side of the road with one exception. There were two small splotches of colorful fabric I saw out of the corner of my eye as I passed. I imagined that, after a rain storm or ten, some bird might actually like to use that fabric as part of its nest. Reuse, Reduce and Recycle, right?
ewww
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